My brain is in turbo mode right now. Big changes in my ministry and my personal life are on the horizon…but not here yet. It’s hard to wait when I think I can see what’s coming and I believe that it’s God’s best. My mind is buzzing with ideas. Exciting stuff. Patience is not coming easily.
See…the women’s director at FEFC resigned about a month ago. It was a shock to me and to pretty much everyone I know. The reasons she left aren’t important, but the vacancy is leaving a huge hole in ministry and leadership for many, including me. More surprising, perhaps, is that immediately after we heard that she was leaving, both my husband and I felt that God was calling me to fill the gap and take on the job. What?!?! Me?!?! Are you sure, Lord? I have children at home that need care, and going to church each day would be a long commute, but…I feel You in my heart telling me that this is my next step. Wow…
If God is calling, I have to answer. No matter how exciting, or how hard, or how complicated it will be. Every night, He’s dumping ideas into my head. Every day, I have more excitement and a stronger desire to get it started, put some rubber to the road, take the reins and get moving. Wow….
Immediately after this sense of call took hold, I entered a season of prayer and fasting, not wanting anything but clarity. I know that I’m a highly visible member of the church. I know that my taking over would be an easy and convenient solution for the church. But is it what God really has in mind? I needed to know with no uncertainty at all. I needed to put out my fleece and see how He chooses to respond.
My greatest fear is getting myself into a job that God doesn’t intend for me to do. That would be a disaster for me, my family, and my church. This is a job that needs the Holy Spirit’s power to get through the day-to-day. Ministry life is rewarding, but messy. If not done with God’s power, it’s a life-drainer. I do NOT want to go there.
My fleece has been that the leaders of the church and the women’s ministry would have the idea on their own that I would be a good choice to be the next women’s director. I don’t want to advertise myself or squash any other ideas that others might have. If God is going to be the one to put me in this position, I wanted to give Him plenty of room to work. And work He did!
No fewer than five people have come up with the idea that I would be a good fit for the position. Some of these have come to me indirectly; some pinned me down and asked me outright if I’d be interested. I’m not sure I can ask for God to be more clear. I know where my heart is, and I believe I know what God’s heart is. Now I just have to wait for Him to work out all of the earthly details to make it happen.
But those final steps are still out there a ways, and edging ever more slowly towards me. The church is planning to hire an interim director while a search committee is formed to name a permanent placement. The interim position will be posted for two weeks, so I will have to wait at least that long before anything is concrete. Then, I’ll need to wait weeks more, perhaps months, while the search committee does its work.
Sigh…I hate waiting.
So I am praying, and fighting the occasional crisis of confidence while this season of waiting slowly creeps by. My enemy is taking full advantage of the time, twisting every conversation in my mind to reasons why I can’t or won’t do the job. I find my victories in these moments by going to back to what I know to be true – that God is in control and an awkward turn of phrase on my part here and there aren’t enough to thwart His plans, that His affirmation has been clear and sure, and that His best is what I want no matter what that is – even if it means rejection for me.
Most of all, I know that God loves me as I am for who I am no matter what I do. Women’s director or not. And this world is not all there is. It’s just a passing moment to Him. What waits for me in His arms is so much greater than any ministry opportunity down here, no matter how badly I want it. If I can keep my focus there, what is down here seems so much less scary.
So, hold me, Lord Jesus, and let me hear Your heart beat as I wait. You know how hard this is for me. But You also know what is on the other side. I don’t have to like the waiting, just love You. And I do.
